patience is a virtue

so my shelves are ALWAYS stocked with the nesecities.......bread............peanut butter.........black olives.......and excedrin.........all of which in exception of the last Ryan has had on a regular basis.....that is until today.............now when I became a mother, I had NO IDEA that no matter what situation I was in.............divorced....living together...separate etc. I would technically be a single parent...............being a mother means you are ALWAYS the ONLY one with instinct.......otherwise known as common sense...ya know when your kid is quiet for more than 1 minute that usually means when you enter the area he/she is in your bound to find them in one of three scenarios......all of which could result in death or property damage..............

scenario a:
you walk in to find your child covered head to toe in poop...whether It be his/hers or the dogs...or cats.......or whatever thing you have in your house that poops............

scenario b:
you walk in to find your child covered in paint and the room you spent forever painting covered in crayon and marker he/she cleverly got from climbing on that cute little step stool you bought him/her when he/she could barley walk...ya know because it was cute............not because you ever thought there would be a day he/she would use it as a tool.......

scenario c:
you walk in to find your child with your bottle of excedrin open........and that look on their face like they just ate aspirin...because essentially that's what they did.............only instead of inducing vomiting , poison control tells you to take the rest of the excedrin, as nothing but the caffeine will effect your child resulting in 24 hours of the imagination movers and the lion king....with out a nap..........
Now don't think for one second that if the child's father is in that room with him/her your in the clear......a lucky mother to have such an ally.....someone who knows your pain, and who is doing everything possible to keep the child occupied..........while you exit the room for 2 seconds to yourself.....because that my friend.....is not whats happening...........you see a man is always taking time to himself.........even in a room with a loud impossible to ignore2 year old, and all this will do is result in one of the three scenarios above....so my advice if anyone ever wants some is to never ever take that 2 seconds.........until everyone is fast asleep.......or else that 2 seconds will more than likely cost you 24hours or so of cleaning a child, a room, or your very sleepy dry eyes with bio-tears..............patience is a virtue..................and a Mother needs to have more of it than she ever thought was possible..........................................

I rode my bicycle past your window last night

So I had a major impulse buy yesterday..........I purchased a bicycle and a trailer.........and after riding around for an hour with this monster trailer hitched to the back of me, I decided maybe spending 110 dollars in the middle of a recession, on something I dont even have the space for..... wasn't that great of an idea...........see, in order to hitch this thing to my bike, I have to take the whole thing apart.........meaning my bike......yup, I have to get out the wrench........take my tire off and attach this thing..............with a two-year old screaming that its taking to long.........when it cant humanly go any faster..........then as Im riding down the street, trying to gage the girth of this thing, narrowly escaping major damage to almost every ones property......Ryan is crying, ready to get out because he had to sit 3 hours and watch it get put together, so he just wants to come home and take a nap............so I turn around....and even that's a problem.........holy wide turn.......then...............brace yourself.........I have to unhitch and break down the freaking thing just to get it inside..........and why do I need it inside you may ask? well someone stole my sons pool out of my yard............so needless to say I dont trust that dog crap wouldn't get stolen just for the sake of the neighbors theft habit (which they will kindly admit to you)........seriously they are bank robbers....real bank robbers.......but I'll get into that another time..........so 110 dollars later..........and a huge headache........and a screaming child........I learned my lesson again......I always have to go balls to the wall with everything........from buying a house I didnt know was in the middle of the Mexican drug trade, to buying a useless waste of metal and tarp.............someday I may learn to take a deep breath and let my many crazy impulses pass.....

dancing with the curtains

I LOVE when the curtains dance on the breeze in the hot weather......I didn't realize just how comforting that is to me until today..........I feel as if Ive lost someone.......no fancy words for that...it just is what it is...........you know when you can be standing right next to someone, yet feel a thousand miles away from them..........when you've always looked to someone for comfort......someone you know you can always rely on............and you turn.....and after 28 years they've gotten tired of who they are............and you re not sure who you are without them?..........setting off a chain reaction..........a bond between people that was soooo tight, so unbreakable.........the only way it would unravel would be if someone inside lets go..............well......someone let go.......................................and after 2 days of daydreaming of better times with this person, the curtains caught my eye...........memories of being younger...dust floating in rays of sunshine........and that breeze........that one little breeze you needed so bad at that one moment....the curtains dance, move like ocean waves..........I feel like a child again..the feeling not completely describable.............that flutter in your chest...........everything safe and new.......I watched my son stare at the window...........and in that instant I realized..........I loved this person with child's eyes.........he was perfect as he was.......no faults..........never changing................maybe it was time to let go of that......................maybe it was OK to unravel.....now its my turn..........to be strong for my son..........as he was strong for me..........maybe now its my turn to weave my son in where my father just left off??????..........................

theres a mouse in the house

So we have a furry friend living with us..........he has a pink nose and long whiskers and just the thought of him makes me jump up on my couch and get out heavy socks........I am totally freaked.........every article and DIY site is telling me when there is one there is many..........when it rains it pours....no different than any other problem in life I guess.....needless to say if I could walk on stilts I SWEAR I would be............I keep trying to convince myself it's a mouse.......but we all know it's a GIANT sewer rat......I'm sure one that's been showcased on the history channel's monsterquest............I really never pray, but tonight I will pray to every being possible just to let me sleep without getting tickled by 8 inch whiskers....YUCK

For some insane reason I have decided to write again......vent and get all of this crazy stuff out there into the universe.....and also because I have not one friend over the age of 3 anymore.....Today Ive been trying to wrap my head around just when Ive lost all these "friends" of mine.........I cant for some reason remember how or when, or why for that matter I was abandoned......deemed ultimately uncool....unable to feel comfortable in the arena of 30-40 something year old losers with no jobs or meaning I once thought were the center of the universe......I guess I became an unreliable confidant.........there one day but I guess Ive never been dedicated enough to be there every day after.......but oh well that's how I run my life.........one day I may think of you as the most important thing in my world and the next I encompass myself in something else........food.....gardening........painting.......anything I can be addicted to I am drawn to.....oh and by the way I haven't been able to sleep in for 2 years now.........you always hear about the having kids and not sleeping thing.....but you don't realize you're shoving every sweet loaded calorie into your mouth while taping your eyelids open just to make sure your kid doesn't chop a finger off............or a foot.............so you end up alone........huge and tired..........but oh yeah it's worth it.....you have to throw that in there or risk looking like a terrible parent..maybe someday someone will grow the balls it takes to tell the truth? maybe?

scrambled eggs

Ive decided to write this anonymously..........as I hope a handful that read it will read it as a story and not a diary of sorts......I'm sure at least a few people can afford to delve into it......become enraptured in my mistakes............my thoughts and obsessions..........I'm sure it will take a while for me to trust this........to freely write what one feels.......to make a commitment.....to invite others to peer inside......whether your pretending to be someone else or not...........I hate to be vulnerable........so in that sense maybe once I can have that trust, I will write my name............who I really am, my label......if by that time I myself had figured that out...........today like yesterday and the day before seems horrendously long.....Ive spent most of my last few weeks wondering about things to big for me to comprehend...they started as small thoughts and got bigger and bigger until I tried so hard to wrap my mind around them, they grew so large I had no option but to think some things are just to big for us.........they faded in and out....in one instant I could feel a chill like after all this thinking I had solved some of life's greatest mysteries, and one second later I was staring into dark space grasping for the fleeting thoughts... friends that had died yet may still be living in other dimensions..........scrambled thoughts........is dying like a dream? is it black and empty?.................we are truly a speck in the universe yet we've created a society where certain people reign higher than others..........but says who? who's to say I HAVE to listen to anyone................you are all human just like me.........what makes your rules the ones I need to follow?.......and they say this is all to create order, a "civilized" society..........well my friend if you call this place civilized send me somewhere that's not............everyone has a label....an ailment, a medication.......maybe because most of us are just to close to figuring this shit out? ..............