For some insane reason I have decided to write again......vent and get all of this crazy stuff out there into the universe.....and also because I have not one friend over the age of 3 anymore.....Today Ive been trying to wrap my head around just when Ive lost all these "friends" of mine.........I cant for some reason remember how or when, or why for that matter I was abandoned......deemed ultimately uncool....unable to feel comfortable in the arena of 30-40 something year old losers with no jobs or meaning I once thought were the center of the universe......I guess I became an unreliable confidant.........there one day but I guess Ive never been dedicated enough to be there every day after.......but oh well that's how I run my life.........one day I may think of you as the most important thing in my world and the next I encompass myself in something else........food.....gardening........painting.......anything I can be addicted to I am drawn to.....oh and by the way I haven't been able to sleep in for 2 years now.........you always hear about the having kids and not sleeping thing.....but you don't realize you're shoving every sweet loaded calorie into your mouth while taping your eyelids open just to make sure your kid doesn't chop a finger off............or a foot.............so you end up alone........huge and tired..........but oh yeah it's worth it.....you have to throw that in there or risk looking like a terrible parent..maybe someday someone will grow the balls it takes to tell the truth? maybe?